It’s not quite morning any more, but it’s my day(week) off and I got out of bed late. Anything that happens before breakfast is “morning.” So there.
I haven’t gone anywhere today; in fact, I’m still wearing my pajamas (more or less). My hair doesn’t look too aberrant, though I’ll admit I haven’t brushed it. I’m sure I’ve got nasty breath and I’m still wearing the socks I had on yesterday. The point is, I haven’t done much more than get out of bed and there hasn’t been much opportunity for sin. I’ve somehow managed to muck things up already, though, so here it is:
I am hideously selfish with my time.
Every now and then, I’ll receive a text from a friend or family member (like I did this morning) who wants to drop by or hang out. To be completely honest, I don’t want to go anywhere or hang out with anyone a majority of the time, particularly if I’ve managed to have the house to myself. It’s certainly an introverted way to be, and those of you that have known me for the better part of a decade or more will be surprised at the hermit tendencies I’ve developed in recent years.
(Incidentally, I’d be interested to hear what any of you think about permanent personality change in the wake of extreme emotion over prolonged periods of time, like severe depression or even joy.)
Anyway, what happens more often than not is that I hurt the people I deeply care about by acting like I haven’t the time for them. I am busy, it’s true, but not so busy that there aren’t spare moments for the people I love. I’ve never been good with balance—knowing how to give only as much as I receive so I’m not feeling wasted(dessicated,decimated) at the end of the day. I end up feeling like I couldn’t possibly give more, even if my offering has been a pittance compared to another’s. Time, energy, ministry—it all requires something of a person to give these things, and I suppose it’s been a long time since I felt I possessed the reserve and courage necessary to pour myself out for anyone but myself and my husband.
Not to mention I’m a lazy bastard.
So, how to fix it?
The answer is so obvious to the believer—cookie cutter perhaps, even if it’s totally contrary to how the rest of the world works. I’ve got to be filled before I can give, and that will require time and commitment on my part, not more free time and rest. It’s gonna take just…fellowshipping with Him(mind the capital h) so that I can receive the fulness of what I need.
It’s not always easy for me to wrap my mind around the idea that the Father’s economy isn’t always intuitive, however absolutely true it is. A day has got to come when I realize I am the least important person there is.
So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.
Philippians 2:1-8, Contemporary English Version